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"To be blessed and to be a blessing..."
That was my New Year's resolution in 2007. As usual, copied from someone I heard on TV. But regardless of who I got the quote from, it has been a strong mantra for my life in the past few weeks. Although '07 started off pretty rough with the lovelife issues, the first quarter of the year is turning out to be quite a fun ride.
"To be blessed".... That part of the resolution is being realized at this point. With unexpected joys that surprise me week by week, I am made to understand that although I am not perfect, I am loved by a God who is.
In my personal life, I've felt myself grow up into a more emotionally stable me. The moodiness is gone (and hopefully gone for good) and although there may still be doubts and fears from time to time, I no longer dwell on my disappointments and drown myself into misery. Each day, I choose to be happy. Each day I am amazed at how peaceful it feels to be true to my own self and to be honest with my emotions. No pretensions, just outright directness.
In my professional life, the middle of February and the beginning of March has all been good news. I am in line for my long sought-after promotion, finally! My team won the Service Excellence award. And fresh news, I just recently learned of another blessing that I can't divulge here. Sorry, confidential eh! Then, I might go the UK in May on the company's dollar. Well, strictly business but still a trip nonetheless. Experience!
In my social life, I have just been trying to catch up with my dearest friends and had quite a few fun times with them the past few weeks and looking forward to more in the next few. I consider the cloudy/mild showers the day we went to Napa with Alexie and Jerry a blessing. Why? Because the next day, rain poured. Finding tickets for the Christina Aguilera concert on March 10th from Craigslist sold at face value is a blessing also. After all, everyone was selling the tix for like quadruple the price! So after a few hunts here and there, Sandra and I are finally seeing Christina Aguilera!! Kat and I just having time to bond after years of being so busy to have time together is just absolutely heaven-sent.
Basically, the gist of it all... everything is falling into place. Therefore, I have no reason to doubt that even my lovelife which feels like the only one left in limbo at this point, will also fall into place someday. Di ba noh, Lord?
"To be a blessing..." is the part I play in this two-way resolution. And I know that the blessings I've received thus far have responsibilities tied to them. I don't have a way to gauge this of course. After all, only my Creator will know that. But I do believe that the same blessings I've been receiving will enable me to be a blessing to others (I hope!). With peace and happiness in my heart, confidence in my professional life and career path and the support and love of my beloved friends, I only have all my heart to give... Here I am, Lord. Use me for Your glory.
I am so excited! I'm finally going to buy me a guitar! Yay!! I've been obsessing for it for years but never got around to buying blaming lack of time, inspiration and the need to keep my dainty fingers, well, dainty. But, this time I will go and get one! whooo!! I will still be very much a beginner at it, and I hope I persist. (Don't give up, Dot!!) Yeah, with calloused fingers and all, struggling to be a good player.
Well, I realized now that I've a ton of time on my hands, I might as well try and pick up some new skills and new tricks to keep me busy. I mean what better way to cure the blues than to be able to make music on your own, right?
When I learn how to play, would you listen? When I finally get to make good music, would you be there?
Comes the Dawn
Virginia Shopstall
After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company isn't security.
(Kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.)
After awhile you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain
and the inevitable has a way of crumbling in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you stand too long in one place.
So, you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.
And you learn you really can endure,
that you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn
With every goodbye you learn...
******************************************************************
E-emo na naman ako!
Not really emo per se, I'm better now. Truly!! Thanks to the love of friends and family who've been helping me pull through quite a tough moment in my simple life. Anyhow, the tears have dried up (I think and I hope!). There are still moments where sadness comes but gladly words of encouragement have all been helpful. I'm headstrong now, almost at the point of no-looking back, only looking forward. I think the day when I'll be laughing at myself for having sulked and moped is actually drawing near.
Right now I'm feeling that there is no better place to be than here, no better moment than now, and no better person to live my life to the fullest than me.
However, if there's one thing I'll still wish for more than anything at this moment that would be to get the closure I need. But per Jason and Ridj (yay! my other best friend is back!! that's another story), sometimes I'll only find it within me. So find it within me, I shall!
For one more (and hopefully last) time, I look back nostalgically and lovingly at the two and a half years that passed with the first guy I dared to share dreams with and loved. In so doing, I choose to be thankful for the happy memories shared. I celebrate the fact that I finally learned love firsthand, with all its rollercoaster turns. And I don't regret having learned it with and from him, for he is a great person. I choose to think of how the whole experience has helped shape me to be who I am today. I acknowledge the fact that for many moments while in that relationship I know that I loved and was loved back. I don't regret the choices (sudden as they may have been) because they must have been destined to be made. I try to keep myself from continuing to hope that a reunion is in the works in the future. Hoping for such might not be in both of our best interests. But I also try to be open for its possibility (it's actually tough if you ask me! Sidenote: how do you not hope and remain open for the possibility? ) because I don't know what the future holds.
I will not and cannot say how a good thing such as "us" fell apart. That will be partial -- you'll only hear my side of the story. The great person that he is deserves the privacy and his side of the coin. Besides, I still don't know what exactly made it crumble anyways. For my sanity, I will choose not to keep finding out.
I also accept the reality that transitioning from being a "couple" to being "just friends" is a tough achievement that only a privileged few get to work out. I hope we work it out that way, so I'm praying for lots of luck. For now, I'll respect the space we both need to sort our stuff out on our own. At the right time, "friendship" will be worked out.
Rebounds? A super no-no for me. I choose to be in this state of reborn-singlehood for at least six months. Probably even longer than that. We'll see. Yes, you guessed it right I am not looking for anyone right now (haha! as if someone's looking for me?!?). First, because it's not fair especially to me and also to him. You can't just replace someone as though they were things, especially someone who's got a hold of your heart for quite sometime. Doing so would be similar to lying to your heart (to yourself). Also, I can't jump into a new relationship without allowing myself to learn, really learn from the old one I just got out of. There are a lot of things to work on within me, so that comes first priority.
Now, that's closure. :-)
For those of you tired of me talking about this, please note that this may be my last post about the topic. I will try to make the next ones different and more sensible. Some will still cover relationships, of course, but on a more detached tone.
My dawn has come!
2 weeks into the New Year and I've seen myself making the most radical of decisions. I am finally stepping into courage to accomplish the things that I must make out of the rest and best of my life.
After procrastinating for God knows how long, I finally took up the challenge to jumpstart the GMAT process. Okay, so I haven't really enrolled in test prep yet. But, to me, downloading the GMAT Powerprep, looking at my schedule for May/June/July, chatting with test prep advisors and figuring out how I'm going to pay for test prep are all baby steps into actually getting into full GMAT mode. Yes, I'm taking the GMAT mid this year and applying to business school during the final quarter. That means I'll be in Grad School next year -- wherever that may be.
Then, there's my citizenship stuff which I hope to turn in by mid-Feb at the latest. That way I get to travel outside the country (Oaxaca in January!! Europe in whenever the tide brings me there).
I've been realizing and deciding many things these past couple of weeks into the first month of the year. The biggest decision I guess is to work on me -- to grow into my emotionally mature, financially stable and spiritually committed self.
In the process, I've had to let go of what used to be one of the most precious things in my life. I will not make any excuses on why I did that. Allow me to just say that I finally realized that I get what I settle for and sadly, I was settling for less than what I really want and need. For far too long, I've compromised some non-negotiable things that I shouldn't have compromised. So, it's time to stop doing that. It's time to stick to my guns.
I've also taken steps to improved health. I've been diligent with taking my scrip to help stabilize my weirded-out anatomy (yay to fairer and clearer skin! fringe benefits of my scrip!) I've actually went in to the doctor to get a routine check-up and actually going to keep coming back every quarter. For most of you who know me, you must've known that I've this unofficial phobia of doctors and prescriptions! So, that's big! Overall, I'm given the clean bill of health but I still need to watch my diet and my weight for better health.
In the coming weeks, there will be more radical decisions to make. But I will make them knowing that I become better with each courageous step I take.
Something good is going to happen to me...
This very year... This very day....
I think it's final. There's no uncertainty in my so-called lovelife anymore. It's done and the future I don't know what it holds for me now. And folks that's how it's done, that's how you get a tired and broken heart. I'd choose not to elaborate further as I'm not entirely sure what to elaborate. There are a lot of things hanging but the only thing I feel is certain is that there's no turning back this time. All I know right now is I'm numb, thankful for the memories, apologetic for the hurt I brought on, wishful that I will find that strength to move on, hopeful that we both remain true to the promise to be friends... Maybe this is my answered prayer and I know I will be okay, someday.
There's a song in my head right now that I listen to (cry a little bit to) and I just feel it so deeply now. I'm giving it up to the Giver of all things. And I know I will be okay...
LAY IT DOWN
(Jaci Velasquez)
I've been lookin' till my eyes are tired of lookin'
Listenin' till my ears are numb from listenin'
Prayin' till my knees are sore from kneelin' on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is achin'
I'm running out of tears and my will is breakin'
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slippin' through my folded hands
Chorus:
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What eles can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.
Verse:
I've been walkin' through this world like I'm barely livin'
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been diggin'
But You're pullin' me out
I'm finally breathin' in the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seein'
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believin'
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands
Chorus:
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what more can I do,
Cause everthing I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
You know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down.
We're wrapping up holidays 2006. Whew! That means we've the whole of 2007 to anticipate. So far, the year that passed had been one rollercoaster year for me despite not having any significant events happening (well of course aside from that homecoming trip). It was a period where I experienced both joy and disappointment and learned in the process. I can say it's one year I will never forget. I'd like to look back at it as the time that I learned more about who I really am. I think, personally, I've found my definition of happiness, while not having completely attained it yet. I think I've grown more as an individual with the "everyday" realities I got to experience. Anyone with an objection to that, please raise your hand.
2006 was a blessing in disguise. Many blessings came my way-- although at times I tend not to have recognized them as such. Now that I look back to it, I am just so darn grateful for everything and anything.
Who would've thought that my "plan-ahead" attitude would backfire too many times in just this one year? These happening were just some kind of nudge for me to take time to stop and smell the flowers.
Who would've thought that I would see-saw in my so-called lovelife for the most part of the year, only to realize that I'm sticking by and just praying real hard that next year makes me and this relationship (whatever it is called) stronger?
Who would've guessed that although I was in the verge of a breakdown, I would actually muster the courage to seek peace not in a shrink's office but on a quiet hillside with labyrinths and walking trails? I found peace within -- the only place where peace is found.
Although, I can't say that my peace is full (with that confusion over my so-called lovelife being the biggest source of the remaining turbulence), I know that my heart will find its rest in the right hour. I will wait for it.
This year, I woke up to this one powerful truth -- I am not in control. Well, being the control-freak I tend to be, that's huge! Acknowledging this brings me peace, makes me happy and rekindles my hope for whatever the future will yet bring.
In 2007, I'd like to keep my goal simple... to be blessed and to be a blessing.
My SMART goals are:
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!
Today marks the death of a relationship I've learned to cherish.
Today marks the birth of new possibilities and a chance to discover what's right.
Breaking up is definitely not easy. But sometimes there comes a point when it needs to be done. And someone has to do it. That point is now. The someone is me.
I am not attempting to steal Christmas from anybody, but these things don't have to be held off just because of a season or of an event. You would prolong the pain if you continue to wait.
As I was alluding in my previous posts, it just didn't work out. Just not meant to be. I tried. Hard enough. But now realized that it's unfair for both him and me to keep trying. I would rather endure the pain of breaking up than deny someone a shot at happiness and to find the true love that's meant for him. As for me, I think I'm okay, maybe not now, but definitely know I'll be fine.
To my recent "ex", if you get the chance to read this: I know till the very last moment of our relationship that I loved you. And I probably still do, and that love brought me to this decision. This is wise for both of us. You'll understand someday when you find the woman you'll love so much to give your undivided and unconditional attention. Someone whose smile you'll seek to brighten your day, whose stories will assure you everything's alright. You're a great person, and because of that I have faith you'll find her in time. Know then, that I'll be happy for you.
In the end... there's a whirlwind of emotions that challenge the decision
In the end... there's assurance that things will be fine
In the end... there's a gratitude for the things that happened and for the memories shared
In the end... there's strength
In the end... courage... to let go... to move on... to live
This week was one full of realizations. The world I exist in is "real"... Filled with hopes, frustrations, triumphs and shortcomings. I think I might have found a new definition for "reality". To me, it is the state of being in the yin and yang of life. Being thrust into the darkness and light all in a quiver of moments. So, what have made me come to this conclusion? Here's the glimpse of this week...
Wednesday, November 15, afternoon
After five years of toil and labor, I finally "paid-off" my largest material treasure. My red car, the one that has seen me through some of life's realities (from first road trips to final meetings). Even though it might not be your perfect and ideal car, it's still MY car and now I have earned the right to say that even louder.
Thursday, November 16, morning
"I just wanted to let you know that XX's last day with the company and our group was yesterday." That statement just beat my need for a java joe that morning. Hadn't I received an email from him in mid-afternoon yesterday? And it was his last day? Sheesh... I was stunned. He wasn't my favorite person, even my mom knows how I was half-wishing he'd be asked to leave the company someday. But not this day, not this soon. There you have it, it's gone. This is reality -- where you'll never know what's going to happen next. Half the day I was frantic as to how I'm gonna pick up XX's slack and half the day I just simply didn't know how to react.
Change Management class . It was my panacea this day. A quest for an answer, an escape from the reality I had just been thrown into. But it didn't help. No class helps. The doubts, the frustration, the fear. They are just too real to be quelled by any class, by anything.
Thursday, November 16, afternoon/evening
Went on with my original plan to go to the city. Driving. Alone. To meet strangers. To watch strangers. It's a focus group. I was getting lazy because of the stupid emotions that are taking their toll on me. But heck, I still went. It was my way to break out of my comfort zone today. Some "me" time too. While they go about in the other room talking about showers and showering, I sit here in the observation room, writing this blog. Thinking. A bit too much I guess, but nonetheless thinking.
In between these two days
Relationships... They're just in my head these days. With the boyfriend, with the friend, with the relative, with the parent. And I muse that the complicated nature of such is part of "reality".
One of them I'm searching for a way out. One of them I don't know the future of. Two of them I'm hopeful for a good future. But there's only one me to feel the emotions that come with these relationships, these thoughts. And it's tough to weigh them all. Yes, to satisfy your curiosity -- match my musings about these relationships with the order I first enumerated them.
I'd rather discuss the first... Why do I want out? Well, it seems to not be working anymore. In what sense not working? We've different priorities. And I just can't seem to see a future with it any longer. I understand and accept the fact that differences make relationships. But it's just too darn tiring already. I'm about done feeling lonely, left hanging, un-valued, disrespected, belittled. Yea, I'm about done. A part of me still hopes, but most of me is getting frustrated. A part of me would still want to work it out, but most of me is searching for an open door, any door. I'm probably just searching for the right timing or the right thing to say. But I got to think of it carefully... it could just be PMS y'know.
OVERALL CONCLUSION:
REALITY = COMPLICATION
REALITY = ELEMENT OF SURPRISE
REALITY = feeling, being, seeing two opposite things at the same time
Here's me in the deck of cards:
SEVEN OF CLUBS
THE REFINED MIND
As a Seven of Clubs you are charming, sociable, kind, intelligent. Your enthusiasm to share what you know often inspires others into action. You are great with people, have excellent communication skills, and the ability to network, organize, and create in big ways. You have good discrimination and discernment, and trusting and following your inner knowing and natural passion leads you to the greatest successes in your life. When you don't follow your inner guidance, hardship and challenge come knocking at the door. The secret to creating what you want is to let go of fears, insecurities, and negative thinking, replacing them with trust, faith, and integrity. Always follow your heart, as it will consistently lead you to higher ground. When you don't, you become discouraged and consumed with worry. You have luck with money; you just have to work for it. Education is extremely important to gain the greatest success in life. You have the power to manifest what you want by thinking it into being. You are designed to be a leader and do well in those positions. Faith, trust, and integrity are your keywords. Partnerships are important, as they give you the stability that supports your financial success and personal self-fulfillment.
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